Stop giving more than you are willing to lose.
“The best way to stay out of resentment is better boundaries.” Brené Brown
“ You cannot hold anyone accountable for maintaining boundaries that you never set. You cannot hold anyone accountable for meeting expectations that you never communicated. ”
A few weeks ago, I had a conversation with a friend about expectations. So many of us tend to enter relationships with no set boundaries or with no communication of our expectations. Now we are six months or six years into the relationship, and we are resentful. We are holding the other party accountable for their inability to meet our invisible and quite unfair expectations. You cannot hold anyone accountable for maintaining boundaries that you never set. You cannot hold anyone accountable for meeting expectations that you never communicated.
I understand that it is uncomfortable to have such conversations, especially if the relationship is new. A healthy relationship consists of trust, respect, communication, and most importantly healthy boundaries. What are some things that cannot be negotiated? What are some of your deal breakers? What is your NO? , and what is your YES? In what ways are you expecting this person to show up in your life? In what ways can this person expect you to show up in his/her life?
If someone is not willing to answer those questions, it is best to reconsider pursuing a committed relationship with that person. Even in a friendship, we have standards and expectations. I decided to end a friendship, because I felt as if my expectations were not met. I believed that this person was purposely letting me down. They were purposely not showing up in my life in ways that I wanted them to. Here I am a year later; I realized that, I never communicated my expectations with that friend. It was easier to blame her for my own failure to communicate. We never set boundaries in the beginning of our friendship. I never communicated with her what support looked like to me. I was expecting her to be supportive, while she believe that she was being supportive. She was supportive in her own way, she showed up the best way she could. I turned her into a terrible friend, when in reality she was showing up in my life the best way she knew how to, because I never communicated with her. Many of us do the same in our romantic relationships, we expect our partner to know exactly how to love us. To know exactly how to show up in our lives. To know how to support us. When they do not deliver, or meet our expectations, we then proceed to make them the enemy. We make thieves; we accuse them of taking from us whether, emotionally, physical, financially, and psychologically. It is easier to blame them for stealing our STUFF, rather than holding ourselves accountable for the lack of boundaries. Holding ourselves accountable for not communicating our expectations.
Lastly, we know when people do not possess the necessary tools to show up in our lives the way that we expect them to. We know from the beginning that this person does not possess the emotional capacity or intelligence to meet our expectations. However, we still give to them, expecting them to give something in return. When we do not receive anything in return, that is when resentment, hurt, anger, and betrayal enter our heart. Hold yourself accountable for setting boundaries. The most freeing, yet most disappointing realization you can have is the realization that some people will never be able to show up for you the way that you want them to. They will never be who you want them to be. Once you made peace with that, you will start experiencing everyone differently. You will become more accepting, more compassionate, and more loving.
A compassionate being is a being with boundaries.