I am afraid of 'almost' nothing

Yes, almost

I navigate life with almost no fear, well except for snakes. I am terrified of snakes, even snake print gives me the chill. I know, right? So dramatic.  My family and friends think I’m crazy most of the time.  So, I thought, I had no fear except for snakes, until the moment I was offered a position 3.5 hour away from my family and friends. I had to leave all I knew for a job. I know, crazy, right?

So, I accepted the job. I was very excited about this position. Well before I accepted the position, I prayed for weeks. I asked God for guidance, answers. You know I had a plan, and the plan involved me being a New Jersey resident. My 5-year plan for my career, my life, my love life is based in New Jersey. Here’s the dilemma, I absolutely love what I do for a living, but hated my job. I can’t put into words, how much I hated my job. I’m talking about, sleepless nights, irritability, burnout, anger, resentment. I felt all of it in a span of six months at this job. I was miserable, but hopeful.

Finally, God answered my prayers. I applied for the position expecting to get denied. I had a few moments of doubts. After months of pre-hiring process, I finally received an offer. My Heart was racing, palms were sweating, I was excited about this fresh start.  I called my mother and told her the great news, I started the job a week prior to making the BIG move. The week went by quickly, and fear hasn’t kicked in yet. I went home and packed last minute and I was still excited about this BIG move.

I woke up early, woke up my brother, load the truck, picked up my friends and made my way two hundred miles away from my family, my friends, and my church family, everything I knew. Everything that brought me joy and comfort. I was comfortable where I was, I truly was, but I was unhappy. I needed this move, I prayed for this move and now I’m scared. My friends and family have never heard me say those three words “I am afraid”. I can earn an academy award for acting brave. I am afraid of nothing that my motto. I was paralyzed with fear, which was disguised as excitement. My fear was so intense, a friend of mine who took the day off to help me move cross-state was displaying concerns, I took her concerns as an attack and lashed out. I mean I lashed out, instead of allowing her to know, I was freaking terrified, I displayed anger and hostility.

I honestly didn’t know how to express fear. I’ve received messages from my childhood that fear was cowardly, and a sign of weakness. So, I navigate life with the mindset that fear isn’t allowed in my life. Although, I’ve had moments in my life where I was terrified, I just sucked it up and kept it moving. At the age of 25, I found a wonderful job, and all I must do is move to another state. Easy right? Well, not so much. It took me a few days, to come to terms with the emotions I felt about uprooting my comfortable life, and moving. I prayed, and processed it with a coworker, and she said “Vanessa, it’s normal. You’re alone in a different environment. Take your time to feel, it’s going to be okay.”

Contrary to widely held belief, I do experience fear (Surprise!); however, I didn’t allow fear to dictate my decision to move and take this awesome position. I didn’t allow fear to prevent me from following my heart, and listening to the voice of God. I was empowered by fear, I traveled to Mexico alone for my 25th birthday. I didn’t allow fear to limit me. Fear will allow you to remain comfortable, and comfort isn’t always happiness. Greatness comes, when you get out of the comfort zone, and conquered your fears. I will forever be terrified of snakes though, that will not change. A year later, I ended up leaving that job and moving back to New Jersey. I am still grateful for that experience. I have no regrets about it, because I needed to be brave. Not the fake bravery I have always displayed, but the type of bravery that requires courage, and vulnerability.